Posession for beginners. How to avoid moving into a demonic house, and other real estate issues

You’re a perfectly nice person, with a perfectly lovely family. No-one in your household has a history of mental illness, throws any kind of temper tantrums, or even really argues. Generally the overall tone of your residency is mellow, and you’re kind of awesome.

And then you move into a big old house with a chandelier in the hallway, and a huge living room, maybe a fireplace, some space to post a few photos, and you’re feeling pretty confident that this place is your home for life. Your happy and excited, and kind of tired from the move, but the overall tone is content.

And then crazy shit starts to happen.

And you hear noises

And you see footsteps

And the photos fall off the walls

The chandelier starts swinging like crazy.

so in your panick you call in the paranormal guy who just wants to get the hell out of your bullshit house. And that’s usually a bad sign

And now your feeling shitty because you’ve got a mortgage and a potential demon, and on the whole the two don’t mix very well.

And now you hate the house, and the stupid chandelier, and your partner thinks your nuts, and the kids (if you have them) are making imaginary friends and the dog keeps barking.

And your pissed off and REALLY tired

So based on my expert knowledge of demons and films…and stuff i’ve seen in films about demons, I am here to help you not make that mistake. Once you’re in the house your basically dead (sorry), but if you are a potential buyer, here are some pointers.

  • Avoid Ouji Boards
  • If the dog doesn’t like the house, don’t move in
Roger wasn't happy with the new neighbours

Roger wasn’t happy with the new neighbours

  • When the youngest starts talking to Rory, pack your shit and sell up
  • Dont film anything
  • Paranormal-Activity-3
  • Try not to taunt it
  • Stairs are usually a hinderance. Try and go for an apartment
  • If your Catholic housekeeper isn’t feeling the vibe, listen to her. She knows what she’s talking about
  • Your partner started sleepwalking? break up with them they’re possessed

paranormal-activity5

  • Wind chimes, dream-catchers, hanging bits of feathers. No. Your asking for it.
  • You can’t sleep? That’s because someones watching you. Move out
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The Conjuring. A film thats not about zombies. Also a true story

It would have probably been a good idea to go and watch World War Z and talk about how much i hated it, because I now have such high expectations from the undead that anything outside of my comfort zone (like zombies that run), are a no-go area for me, an area filled with hate and confusion. Luckily I didn’t watch World War Z, nor is this post a rant about that. So that’s ok and we can move on.

I watched The Conjuring, which was directed by James Wan, and featured the one from The Departed that looks like Heather Mills, and that dude that played the Paedophile in Hard Candy, and then played the really hot rich guy in Girls.(FYI, to anyone who didn’t see that episode of girls, made no fucking sense). Maybe to the untrained eye this movie is your classic haunted house/hang on it’s a demon/hang on it’s a witch/hang on it wants to kill your entire family type scenario, but if you dig deep it a whole lot more. We’ve seen the formula, James Wan is not reinventing the wheel, it’s just a classic creepy film with demons and kids and a possessed doll, (but obviously a billion times better than insidious, because insidious was shit). I’m here more specifically to discuss the demonologists that are at the core of this film-Edward Warren and his wife Lorraine Warren.

ed and lorraine

This contains no spoilers, so carry on reading if you so choose.

Edward and Lorraine, self-proclaimed ‘seekers of the supernatural’ are, according to the film, the worlds leading experts in demonology and paranormal research. The main reason why I was so interested in them after i left the theatre rather than the ‘story’ is partly due to the highly refined way Wan chose to portray them in this movie. The Warrens were no con artists, oh no, they were essentially classified as ‘academics’; very rational, highly articulate, highly intelligent, always on some campus doing a slide show presentation, answering questions, being very sincere. It was all so different to what one may associate with a ‘demonologist’.

Edward Warren also states at one point in the film that he didn’t believe in vampires, which was highly reassuring.

Lets take a look at Ed and Lorraine and see who the hell they are.

FUN FACT 1) The Warrens had been in business of tracking down evil for over 40 years, and casting it away with holy water and high-tech sound equipment. I was ASTOUNDED to discover that they had previously been involved in the Amityville case (yes THE Amityville) with the Lutz family, who famously fled the house after an alleged 28 days in the property. The Warrens were called in to do a séance on live TV after the media frenzy that surrounded the house. Nothing actually came out of that particular séance but later they found a picture featuring a little boy who had not been present in the house at all. It is suspected (wait for it) that he was one of the victims that were murdered by Robert Defeo who had gone nuts one night, reached for his rifle and shot his entire family to death. This was prior to the Lutz’s moving in. Hence all the crazy shit that happened to them whilst at the house.

Allegedly Lorraine said that she hoped Amityville was ‘as close to hell’ as she would ever get.

FUN FACT 2) The Snedeker family haunting which lead to movie ‘The Haunting in Connecticut was also an investigation that the Warrens had been actively involved in. This was a particularly grim case that dealt with a mortuary run by necrophiliacs (yea told you), that then became a family home, unknown to the Snedeker family. Luckily the current owner fails to give a shit.

FUN FACT 3) The Warrens have a museum FULL of all the possessed stuff they’ve retrieved, found and worked on over the years. Yes that’s right, a WHOLE room full of satanic objects and voodoo dolls, all full of evil, in one tiny little space. You can visit the museum if you like, but you can’t touch or taunt anything. If you do, you might die. Literally. One guy famously taunted the Annabel Doll in his visit to the museum (featured in the movie), and died three hours later. Alternatively you can visit The Tate

FUN FACT 4) They have Annabel. The weird creepy rag doll, who has the ability to totally kill people. In the movie she sets the scene, creates the context, gives us an idea of the horror of inanimate objects created for children. Below is her story….oh and next time you wanna buy your kid something from the junk shop, expect bad stuff to happen. That’s why video games were invented.

Enjoy sleeping

S