Breaking The New Season Silence

What are we like 5, 6? maybe 7 episodes in,

I stopped counting.

You know things have hit rock bottom when you just dont give a shit and fall asleep through the end of every episode. Or when Carol drives off into the sunset and you kinda just shrug your shoulders and go ‘eh’, or even when the governor (who we all knew was feeding the walkers the entire time…not stupid here you know), reappears and im there dribbling on my pillow wondering if i should use the laptop light to create mood while i sleep or opt for total pitch black.

This is not ok and its starting to depress me, Yes we knew things would be different. Especially when Beth decided to act like a total bitch (re. her boyfriends death), and shrug it off as ‘shit happens’. Then that weird little alcoholic kid entered the equation, everyone got flu. The whole thing is turning into a big ole mess.

I dont like it.

I’m just gonna keep watching and wait it out. I’m hoping its like season 2 when basically nothing happens and theres a lot of ‘character building’. I just dont wanna get too attached to anyone who might have flu or a bald head. It usually ends badly for those people.

Oh and can we have martinez back as well.

Thank you kindly

wheres Michonne?

wheres Michonne?

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The Conjuring. A film thats not about zombies. Also a true story

It would have probably been a good idea to go and watch World War Z and talk about how much i hated it, because I now have such high expectations from the undead that anything outside of my comfort zone (like zombies that run), are a no-go area for me, an area filled with hate and confusion. Luckily I didn’t watch World War Z, nor is this post a rant about that. So that’s ok and we can move on.

I watched The Conjuring, which was directed by James Wan, and featured the one from The Departed that looks like Heather Mills, and that dude that played the Paedophile in Hard Candy, and then played the really hot rich guy in Girls.(FYI, to anyone who didn’t see that episode of girls, made no fucking sense). Maybe to the untrained eye this movie is your classic haunted house/hang on it’s a demon/hang on it’s a witch/hang on it wants to kill your entire family type scenario, but if you dig deep it a whole lot more. We’ve seen the formula, James Wan is not reinventing the wheel, it’s just a classic creepy film with demons and kids and a possessed doll, (but obviously a billion times better than insidious, because insidious was shit). I’m here more specifically to discuss the demonologists that are at the core of this film-Edward Warren and his wife Lorraine Warren.

ed and lorraine

This contains no spoilers, so carry on reading if you so choose.

Edward and Lorraine, self-proclaimed ‘seekers of the supernatural’ are, according to the film, the worlds leading experts in demonology and paranormal research. The main reason why I was so interested in them after i left the theatre rather than the ‘story’ is partly due to the highly refined way Wan chose to portray them in this movie. The Warrens were no con artists, oh no, they were essentially classified as ‘academics’; very rational, highly articulate, highly intelligent, always on some campus doing a slide show presentation, answering questions, being very sincere. It was all so different to what one may associate with a ‘demonologist’.

Edward Warren also states at one point in the film that he didn’t believe in vampires, which was highly reassuring.

Lets take a look at Ed and Lorraine and see who the hell they are.

FUN FACT 1) The Warrens had been in business of tracking down evil for over 40 years, and casting it away with holy water and high-tech sound equipment. I was ASTOUNDED to discover that they had previously been involved in the Amityville case (yes THE Amityville) with the Lutz family, who famously fled the house after an alleged 28 days in the property. The Warrens were called in to do a séance on live TV after the media frenzy that surrounded the house. Nothing actually came out of that particular séance but later they found a picture featuring a little boy who had not been present in the house at all. It is suspected (wait for it) that he was one of the victims that were murdered by Robert Defeo who had gone nuts one night, reached for his rifle and shot his entire family to death. This was prior to the Lutz’s moving in. Hence all the crazy shit that happened to them whilst at the house.

Allegedly Lorraine said that she hoped Amityville was ‘as close to hell’ as she would ever get.

FUN FACT 2) The Snedeker family haunting which lead to movie ‘The Haunting in Connecticut was also an investigation that the Warrens had been actively involved in. This was a particularly grim case that dealt with a mortuary run by necrophiliacs (yea told you), that then became a family home, unknown to the Snedeker family. Luckily the current owner fails to give a shit.

FUN FACT 3) The Warrens have a museum FULL of all the possessed stuff they’ve retrieved, found and worked on over the years. Yes that’s right, a WHOLE room full of satanic objects and voodoo dolls, all full of evil, in one tiny little space. You can visit the museum if you like, but you can’t touch or taunt anything. If you do, you might die. Literally. One guy famously taunted the Annabel Doll in his visit to the museum (featured in the movie), and died three hours later. Alternatively you can visit The Tate

FUN FACT 4) They have Annabel. The weird creepy rag doll, who has the ability to totally kill people. In the movie she sets the scene, creates the context, gives us an idea of the horror of inanimate objects created for children. Below is her story….oh and next time you wanna buy your kid something from the junk shop, expect bad stuff to happen. That’s why video games were invented.

Enjoy sleeping

S

stuff to remember: Apocalypse edition

So here we all are, keeping ourselves busy until October 13, in what seems to be the longest wait ever. Will the governor reemerge? will Hershel grow his leg back? (judging by the trailer…), will Caesar Martinez get even hotter this season? Will zombies start to become a focus of a ‘zombie show’, or will they just take a backseat again while two middle-aged crazy men with big egos hash it out over territory and stuff?

It’s all very exciting.

Cant wait to see Daryl once more on his bike, making a shit load of noise for no particular reason, spouting more one liners then Fat Amy in pitch perfect. Theres just SO much to look forward to, and best of all, ANDREA is dead!

Before we get all excited, I am going to be negative for the next couple of minutes and bring the mood down a notch. I would like to take this opportunity to reflect on all the ‘bloopers’ of this zombie apocalypse, and say to AMC, you need to bring back a bit of realism here guys. And by realism I mean really THINK about what the end of the world entails, because there’s just some stuff I simply can’t get my head round , and we need to address this.

Here are a few choice examples from last season which I personally was not happy with:

1) Carol’s Hair.

carol

Is a perfect crop. Discuss.

2) The Grass.

Am I really going to break this one down? The handyman zombie is not a part of the cast so either reveal him, or let him go. I do not want to see such immaculate grass ever again

that mower just keeps on going

3) Magical powder formula.

For la bebe. The baby also needs baby food and stuff. Where the hell are they finding all this powdered formula? I mean really? Where?

4) Cooking-or lack of.

I’d like to see them cook, I’d like to see them eat, I’d like to know the ins and outs, id like to know how its going down. That’s all im saying.

5) Electricity in Woodbury.

Because there is! I’ve seen it…the governor has lights and stuff.

6) Andreas roots

We’ve discussed this before. I’m just pointing it out as an FYI

7) Hershel’s unlimited ammo

ok its season 2 but still worth mentioning.

8) Makeup

Where is it coming from? Who is giving these women mascara? WHO? I demand to know

9) Daryl and his designer stubble

Is he shaving? Because Hershel has a cypress hill/Santa thing going on, and yet Daryl is still looking very rock and roll. I wanna know… Is he shaving and does he have access to clippers? and how does he switch them on if they have no electricity? but do they have electricity? hmm….

10) What happens at night?

Where are the candles? what do they do? how do they see?

Fix these issues AMC. and then a zombie apocalypse will make total rational sense to me.

Thank you kindly

Zombie Playlist

Evil Dead is out next week….

Translated this is my equivalent to the royal wedding. So I felt this was an appropriate time to utilise and confuse my Spotify and create a zombie playlist. a) because I have nothing better to do prior to writing my dissertation (which sadly will not be about zombies, or the oedipus complex, or Carol Clover, or discuss anything to do with brain-dead reflections of capitalism, it’s a shame). B) because there’s only so much of Beyoncé’s B-day Album I can listen to on repeat. So here is a miscellaneous list with totally unrelated genres…enjoy

1) Michael Jackson-Thriller

The original. And the best

2)The Bee Gees- Stayin Alive

Essentially that’s the aim….even though this song actually has no zombie reference whatsoever.

3) The Cranberries-Zombie

It’s about the problems in Ireland during the early 90s. Basically has Zombie in the title

4) Marylin Manson-Long Hard Road Out of Hell

Marylin is always a good one for a zombie apocalypse, hes been talking about weird shit and wearing blue lipstick for quite some time.

5) Queens of the Stoneage-A song for the deaf

If we’re gonna get technical, they should be deaf. If there’s loud noise they hear it, so this is an ode to Daryl’s motorbike.

6) Ke$ha-Die Young

Potentially

7) Lana Del Rey- Born to Die

Potentially quite soon

8) Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Heads Will Roll

or be eaten off, depending on the severity of the situation

9) Rob Zombie-Dead City Radio and The New Gods of Supertown

10) Mobb Deep- Hell On Earth

Although its a political hip-hop song about the evils of todays society, hell on earth is pretty much the literal scenario we have to contend with

11) Rob Zombie-Livin Dead Girl

This guy is so specific. He sings about nothing BUT zombies, dead people, death, and other morbid shit, in a totally non-ironic way. Second feature on the playlist.

12) Bon Jovi-Living on a Prayer

This is the optimistic song right before you realise you are actually fucked.

13) Linkin Park-In The End

….it doesnt even matter….thought Rick….. during most of season 3.

14) Evanescence-Bring Me to Life

An ideal situation if your on the verge of turning. This song seems fitting, despite its overly christian subtext. Dedicated to T-Dog RIP

15) Duran Duran-Hungry Like a Wolf

One for Andrea….