Dir: David Sandberg
The Annabelle Doll exists in a small occult museum at Ed and Lorraine Warrens house. Those who have been reading this blog for a while know that a few years ago I wrote all about the Warrens and their fascinating basement full of posessed shit, which at the time was open to the public. Sadly the museum has momentarily been shut down due to zoning regulations, so no immediate life threatening interactions with Annabelle can currently be made.
Unlike her glow up in the movie, Annabelle is actually a rag doll and looks like this
And lacks the contour or luscious locks of this..
Here’s a pic of Demi Lovato with Annabelle clearly absolutely mocking her supernatural powers.
Allegedly the doll is one of the most dangerous things in the basement. When the Warrens originally brought her to their home after her incident with Lou (where the doll basically tried to claw him to death…google it) they did try to bless the doll, and rid her of the evil. Turns out it didn’t work so well, so she would just creep them out and move around the house appearing in different rooms. They eventually decided to lock her in a glass case secured with prayers to stop her going anywhere.
Visitors to the occult museum, such as Demi Lovato, can get super close to Annabelle without much harm. Taunting the doll or touching the glass case however is highly discouraged. Incidents have been reported of people having mysterious accidents after taking the piss out of Annabelle, so it’s not something I encourage any of you to do should you visit her after the zoning regulations sort themselves out.
Which brings us to our film.
Based entirely on fiction, it prequels the Annabelle “story” to give us an idea of how the doll became originally possessed (Also largely to keep The Conjuring franchise going). A task so simple, and yet executed in such an exceptionally convoluted manner.
The tall elaborate tale involves Anthony LaPaglia playing an unenthused doll maker in a gigantic New England house, naturally located in the middle of nowhere rural America. It’s such a enormous house that I literally cannot grasp how he is so financially stable, considering his somewhat niche career choice.
We then find out he only had the one child, which makes having such a GIGANTIC house all the more implausible. As a millenial who can’t afford a shed in the suburbs, I was just getting more and more frustrated throughout the film as to how unrealistic this entire scenario was. The rental on that place would be CRAZY right now.
His only daughter dies in a horrible accident, and his wife ends up mysteriously bed bound, sick, and unwilling to look at people or leave her room. Not exactly the perfect environment for, let’s say, a bunch of orphans?
Well not according to this guy! Mr Mullins feels that twelve years after the passing of his daughter it’s a great idea to bring six orphans and a nun to live in his creepy mansion with his bedridden wife. We silently make the assumption this is in a bygone era before background checks were a thing.
Here’s the house
Here are the kids that are forced to uncomfortably live there
This recipe for disaster doesn’t take long to unfold, in fact every five minutes (on average) is armed with a jump scare.
We counted roughly twenty.
COME ON YOU GUYS……
By the time we get round to the actual story of why the fuck the Annabelle doll is in the house and how this relates to their dead daughter, I’ve been “jump scared” 15677 times to the point where I’m like…yo, is everyone gonna die or what?
I’m all for a cheesy vacuous horror, and if you want one jump after another this is your shit right here. I didn’t think it was necessarily a bad film, I actually quite enjoyed it, but let’s call it what it is- a forgettable addition to The Conjuring franchise.
With no real build up, no context, no major character development, no reason for a bunch of orphans to be in the house in the first place, a lot of this movie was atmospheric fluff.
And sometimes atmospheric fluff is ok, just don’t expect anything more. If you want a Tobe Hooper style work of genius, this definitely isn’t the film for you.