Lori Grimes: Things I would’ve done differently

Theres never a dull moment during a zombie apocalypse, but aside from flesh-eating zombies, everyone on earth decided that the real enemy was none other that bi-polar Lori Grimes.

in my usual wide eyed stare

It wasnt her thing with Shane that bothered me, to be honest I couldn’t care less about that. She thought her husband was dead for fucksake, the moral outrage regarding that scenario is mind-blowing. I’m sure SO many men out there would take a vow of celibacy if their bitch died during the end of the world. ANYWAY.. the whole ‘your wife is a ho’ thing im totally against. What I DID despise about Lori ‘I stare a situation out’ Grimes was the fact that she never seemed to make any fucking sense whatsoever.

Take Carl….thats her kid right? So the general consensus is that you kinda know where he is, especially if the probability of him dying is quite high. So why then during season 2 did we never ever know where the fuck he was?? At one point he got SHOT, I mean jesus christ….

mother of the year award

Then there’s the whole conflicting messages ALL THE TIME; get Meryl, don’t get Meryl, kill Shane, don’t kill Shane, Ricks the dad, Shane’s the dad. Her inability to calm a situation down, and constant blowing shit out of proportion (plus sending Rick on never ending suicide missions) makes life DIFFICULT. especially when its pretty difficult already.

To mark her demise from season 3 I’ve drawn up a list of shit I would’ve done differently if I were Lori, to ensure the whole world didn’t wish I was the first to die:

  1. Not fucked shane. Only because it’s shitting on your own doorstep. And makes you unpopular and paranoid when your dead husband and his sheriff hat come back
  2. Not let carl out of the house: because he’s an irritating douche and only gets good during season 3
  3. Not worn a lumberjack shirt as my one item of attire: I don’t really need to explain this.
  4. Not gotten pregnant: because its like the end of the world and shit, and there’s no food, and there’s like 2 zillion flesh-eating zombies trying to kill you
  5. Not kept telling Rick that everything is his ‘call’: ACTUALLY…it later emerges that Rick needs to pull his shit together, therefore making everything his ‘call’ wasnt the smartest thing you ever said…especially after he lost his mind and locked himself in the boiler room.
  6. Used more than one facial expression:
    because when you act, it’s a good idea
  7. Not spent the whole time on the farm making tea: ….and learned to shoot an aim better, thus productively using your time

Anyway shes dead now, so we can all get on with our lives and learn to redirect our hatred towards Andrea, because thats what good people do…..

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The ongoing mystery of Andrea’s makeup: The Walking Dead

First of all let’s get one thing straight here buddy. You’ve been running away from zombies for 7 months straight. Seven months in the woods with no food, water, accommodation, or hand sanitizer. In theory you should smell like shit, and look closer to zombie than a human. You then get saved by a badass bitch with a cape and two walkers on a leash and very kindly she continues to protect your sorry ass during the large break between season 2 and 3 (AMC never do that to us again) while you basically wither away and become a shadow of your former gun-toting, shane-shagging glory. Then we witness you on the verge of death….you had a hypothermia/nausea/fever thing going on and I hoped thought you were as good as gone. Even when the governor (not in a cockney sense of the word) found you, you were spewing your guts out behind a tree like a hot mess while Michonne was unenthusiastically holding the fort. So why then, a couple of days later, do we see you, looking like this??

‘all that running gave my skin a healthy golden glow’

Did I miss something?…..is that lipstick Andrea??

I know if I were in the end of days, my hair would be the first thing to be like ‘fuck you I’ll do whatever the fuck I want thanks’ and basically go nuts. Two days without products, and I’m pretty sure I’d throw myself to a walker. The fact that her golden locks are so intact is possibly the most unrealistic aspect of said apocalypse. Also….the eyebrows are rather groomed for someone who’s been on the verge of death. Forget who’s been mowing the grass outside the prison, who the fuck has been threading Andreas eyebrows?

I’m more suspicious of this scenario then I am of the governor and his pickled zombie collection…..TBC