I’m gonna be frank, what I expected was not what I got. That’s not to suggest that what I got was bad, because I did enjoy this film, and most importantly it didn’t leave me angry, which is an unusal turnaround of events.
Everyone pretty much jizzes their pants whenever you talk about Michael Haneke. I’ve sat through endless conversations with film grads, excitedly discussing how profound Haneke’s work is; how his subtle social commentary and take on violence is “unbelievably thought provoking”, how his meticulous and flawless filmmaking practices will haunt you for months, and so forth and so forth.
In particular I have heard time and time again that Funny Games would be the most ‘disturbing’ and ‘intelligent’ thing I was ever going to see in my adult life, that it was literally so mind-blowing that he was forced to make it twice, in two different langues, ten years apart, shot by shot.
So I watched it. In both languages.
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You’re a perfectly nice person, with a perfectly lovely family. No-one in your household has a history of mental illness, throws any kind of temper tantrums, or even really argues. Generally the overall tone of your residency is mellow, and you’re kind of awesome.
And then you move into a big old house with a chandelier in the hallway, and a huge living room, maybe a fireplace, some space to post a few photos, and you’re feeling pretty confident that this place is your home for life. Your happy and excited, and kind of tired from the move, but the overall tone is content.
And then crazy shit starts to happen.
And you hear noises
And you see footsteps
And the photos fall off the walls
The chandelier starts swinging like crazy.
so in your panick you call in the paranormal guy who just wants to get the hell out of your bullshit house. And that’s usually a bad sign
And now your feeling shitty because you’ve got a mortgage and a potential demon, and on the whole the two don’t mix very well.
And now you hate the house, and the stupid chandelier, and your partner thinks your nuts, and the kids (if you have them) are making imaginary friends and the dog keeps barking.
And your pissed off and REALLY tired
So based on my expert knowledge of demons and films…and stuff i’ve seen in films about demons, I am here to help you not make that mistake. Once you’re in the house your basically dead (sorry), but if you are a potential buyer, here are some pointers.
- Avoid Ouji Boards
- If the dog doesn’t like the house, don’t move in
- When the youngest starts talking to Rory, pack your shit and sell up
- Try not to taunt it
- Stairs are usually a hinderance. Try and go for an apartment
- If your Catholic housekeeper isn’t feeling the vibe, listen to her. She knows what she’s talking about
- Your partner started sleepwalking? break up with them they’re possessed
- Wind chimes, dream-catchers, hanging bits of feathers. No. Your asking for it.
- You can’t sleep? That’s because someones watching you. Move out