Revisited: Orphan

Well…what can I say.


Round of applause to the guy that made this. YOU sir, deserve a drink.

like…where do I even begin? I’ve spend the past hour shouting profanities at my laptop and wanting a 9 year old dead so badly (even though she’s really 33…we’ll get there), that my brain is actually overwhelmed with emotions.


I first watched this amazing car crash of a film when I was like 23 and thought I knew everything. I was so pretentious and full of shit  at the time that I categorically refused to finish it deeming it “ridiculous”. man I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to lighten the fuck up. I missed out BIG time with this one. No amount of fellini will ever give me the same joy that an escaped lunatic from Estonia with dwarfism can.


The layers to this film are stupendous; you literally don’t know who to hate more. It gets to a stage where you basically want everyone to die because their middle class problems are more frustrating then the psycho dwarf in the tutu.

So you have the ex alcoholic mum, who has been dealing with a lot of issues since having a stillbirth  (understandable). She’s seeing a councillor (Dr. Bobby) who, it emerges, seems to know jack shit about her job ( nice, wildly inaccurate, observation of Esther… keep up the good work there buddy). Karen drives a lexus, lives in a beautiful house has a tense relationship with her husband and plays the piano to compensate her alcoholism. Fantastic

Then you have the passive aggressive cheating husband who obviously can’t spot a psycho dwarf when he sees one. he. He’s one of those annoying men who tries to act totally chilled about the fact that his wife doesn’t wanna sleep with him anymore, but you basically suss out that that’s potentially what lead him cheating on her in the first place…possibly, I’m just brainstorming here.  

Then you have the crazy lunatic posing as a 9 year old when she’s actually a grown ass woman who escaped from an asylum (SO brilliant)

So they decide to adopt, (which it later materialises was a really bad idea). Said adopted child categorically ruines their already pretty unstable lives, and does so in the most manipulative and cinematically epic way possible.

In true “yuppie thriller” fashion (think the hand that rocks the cradle, fatal attraction) we see the husband and wife turn on each other and (surprise surprise) Karen looks like the crazy one for thinking that there’s something wrong with the creepy kid.

I won’t ruin the good bits by telling you all the amazing shit this crazy bitch does… but it is MIND BLOWING.

watch this with a loved one. they’ll appreciate you more.


Deliver us from tired scripts

Sometimes I go and watch horror movies and I’m all like “meh”. The usual haunted house/scary Japanese chick with long hair/young possessed catholic girl/ hillbillies who eat people situation. As a horror fan you get so used to these formulas then eventually you’re just like immune…and often jaded…and that’s fine I guess, just a bit disappointing.

It’s nice to occasionally see something, y’know, different

The Pact. That was different. That was pretty cool actually. I liked The Pact. That was some scary shit.

Cockneys vs. Zombies. (see last post), also different, funny, really well acted, not the most terrifying, but whatever, it was pretty cool.

Sometimes different can be bad. Like when P-Diddy did that song “come with me” or when David lynch made that experimental movie with all the rabbits, and the shaky camera. That’s when different starts to unnerve me and make me wish things were normal again.

And then you get films like “Deliver Us from Evil”, which ironically fulfils it’s title in more ways then you can ever hope for.

So let’s just clarify one thing- this is not a horror movie. It thinks it’s a horror movie, in fact it actually dresses itself up as one; the trailer, the demonic possession “storyline”, the music box and the scary stuffed toy, the dude who’s covered in Latin writing carved into his skin….we get it, you’re trying.

Only it’s not really a horror movie.

It’s basically a really long episode of CSI, with some supernatural shit thrown in for good measure. It’s actually not even CSI, it’s borderline “buddy” movie, you know those 80s buddy movies, like Beverly Hills cop or Miami vice? Where they love their partner in a non homoerotic way, and yet seem to spend more time with them then with their wives? Those movies. It was one of those movies.

Steven Segal could totally be in this movie. That’s how 80s this shit is.


Ok so what’s it about? Fuck knows to be honest. Three disillusioned soldiers go nuts in Iraq after stumbling on a possessed ancient burial ground/ gates of hell (it’s not made clear, but you get the gist). They all go nuts and come home and do cray cray shit.

The police officer, played by an extremely boring Eric bana (who looks like Matt Dillon a LOT), is doing his best at a New York accent, and gets a “radar” when he knows he’s onto something. His partner, played by some unknown who looks like Fred durst, is the most annoying “bro” character known to MAN. Not gonna lie, when he died I didn’t even care. Like not even a bit. Sorry yo, I just didn’t.

So they find these guys doing isolated nutty stuff (beating their wives, scratching shit into their walls, killing cats) and realise the Iraq link.

Then there’s the possession stuff.

Then there’s this priest.

Ok so I really need a MOMENT to talk about this priest. This guy has got to be some type of inside joke, because there is no way in hell the writers were keeping a straight face when they included a sexy, ex junkie catholic priest who looks like a Latin jazz singer and sings in Spanish whilst performing exorcisms….

oh and works out….and smokes slowly….and drinks whisky….whilst sweaty…..

No seriously you guys, seriously. Don’t even..

So in a nutshell this is forgettable, uninspired and really overlong.

Olivia munn is also in this and she annoys the crap out of me, so there’s another reason to avoid it.

Save your money and buy a ouji board instead. Much more entertaining



Funny Games Revisted.

Everyone pretty much jizzes their pants whenever you talk about Michael Haneke. I’ve sat through endless conversations with film grads, excitedly discussing how profound Haneke’s work is; how his subtle social commentary and take on violence is “unbelievably thought provoking”, how his meticulous and flawless filmmaking practices will haunt you for months, and so forth and so forth.

In particular I have heard time and time again that Funny Games would be the most ‘disturbing’  and ‘intelligent’ thing I was ever going to see in my adult life, that it was literally so mind-blowing that he was forced to make it twice, in two different langues, ten years apart, shot by shot.


So I watched it. In both languages.





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Breaking The New Season Silence

What are we like 5, 6? maybe 7 episodes in,

I stopped counting.

You know things have hit rock bottom when you just dont give a shit and fall asleep through the end of every episode. Or when Carol drives off into the sunset and you kinda just shrug your shoulders and go ‘eh’, or even when the governor (who we all knew was feeding the walkers the entire time…not stupid here you know), reappears and im there dribbling on my pillow wondering if i should use the laptop light to create mood while i sleep or opt for total pitch black.

This is not ok and its starting to depress me, Yes we knew things would be different. Especially when Beth decided to act like a total bitch (re. her boyfriends death), and shrug it off as ‘shit happens’. Then that weird little alcoholic kid entered the equation, everyone got flu. The whole thing is turning into a big ole mess.

I dont like it.

I’m just gonna keep watching and wait it out. I’m hoping its like season 2 when basically nothing happens and theres a lot of ‘character building’. I just dont wanna get too attached to anyone who might have flu or a bald head. It usually ends badly for those people.

Oh and can we have martinez back as well.

Thank you kindly

wheres Michonne?

wheres Michonne?

Posession for beginners. How to avoid moving into a demonic house, and other real estate issues

You’re a perfectly nice person, with a perfectly lovely family. No-one in your household has a history of mental illness, throws any kind of temper tantrums, or even really argues. Generally the overall tone of your residency is mellow, and you’re kind of awesome.

And then you move into a big old house with a chandelier in the hallway, and a huge living room, maybe a fireplace, some space to post a few photos, and you’re feeling pretty confident that this place is your home for life. Your happy and excited, and kind of tired from the move, but the overall tone is content.

And then crazy shit starts to happen.

And you hear noises

And you see footsteps

And the photos fall off the walls

The chandelier starts swinging like crazy.

so in your panick you call in the paranormal guy who just wants to get the hell out of your bullshit house. And that’s usually a bad sign

And now your feeling shitty because you’ve got a mortgage and a potential demon, and on the whole the two don’t mix very well.

And now you hate the house, and the stupid chandelier, and your partner thinks your nuts, and the kids (if you have them) are making imaginary friends and the dog keeps barking.

And your pissed off and REALLY tired

So based on my expert knowledge of demons and films…and stuff i’ve seen in films about demons, I am here to help you not make that mistake. Once you’re in the house your basically dead (sorry), but if you are a potential buyer, here are some pointers.

  • Avoid Ouji Boards
  • If the dog doesn’t like the house, don’t move in
Roger wasn't happy with the new neighbours

Roger wasn’t happy with the new neighbours

  • When the youngest starts talking to Rory, pack your shit and sell up
  • Dont film anything
  • Paranormal-Activity-3
  • Try not to taunt it
  • Stairs are usually a hinderance. Try and go for an apartment
  • If your Catholic housekeeper isn’t feeling the vibe, listen to her. She knows what she’s talking about
  • Your partner started sleepwalking? break up with them they’re possessed


  • Wind chimes, dream-catchers, hanging bits of feathers. No. Your asking for it.
  • You can’t sleep? That’s because someones watching you. Move out

stuff to remember: Apocalypse edition

So here we all are, keeping ourselves busy until October 13, in what seems to be the longest wait ever. Will the governor reemerge? will Hershel grow his leg back? (judging by the trailer…), will Caesar Martinez get even hotter this season? Will zombies start to become a focus of a ‘zombie show’, or will they just take a backseat again while two middle-aged crazy men with big egos hash it out over territory and stuff?

It’s all very exciting.

Cant wait to see Daryl once more on his bike, making a shit load of noise for no particular reason, spouting more one liners then Fat Amy in pitch perfect. Theres just SO much to look forward to, and best of all, ANDREA is dead!

Before we get all excited, I am going to be negative for the next couple of minutes and bring the mood down a notch. I would like to take this opportunity to reflect on all the ‘bloopers’ of this zombie apocalypse, and say to AMC, you need to bring back a bit of realism here guys. And by realism I mean really THINK about what the end of the world entails, because there’s just some stuff I simply can’t get my head round , and we need to address this.

Here are a few choice examples from last season which I personally was not happy with:

1) Carol’s Hair.


Is a perfect crop. Discuss.

2) The Grass.

Am I really going to break this one down? The handyman zombie is not a part of the cast so either reveal him, or let him go. I do not want to see such immaculate grass ever again

that mower just keeps on going

3) Magical powder formula.

For la bebe. The baby also needs baby food and stuff. Where the hell are they finding all this powdered formula? I mean really? Where?

4) Cooking-or lack of.

I’d like to see them cook, I’d like to see them eat, I’d like to know the ins and outs, id like to know how its going down. That’s all im saying.

5) Electricity in Woodbury.

Because there is! I’ve seen it…the governor has lights and stuff.

6) Andreas roots

We’ve discussed this before. I’m just pointing it out as an FYI

7) Hershel’s unlimited ammo

ok its season 2 but still worth mentioning.

8) Makeup

Where is it coming from? Who is giving these women mascara? WHO? I demand to know

9) Daryl and his designer stubble

Is he shaving? Because Hershel has a cypress hill/Santa thing going on, and yet Daryl is still looking very rock and roll. I wanna know… Is he shaving and does he have access to clippers? and how does he switch them on if they have no electricity? but do they have electricity? hmm….

10) What happens at night?

Where are the candles? what do they do? how do they see?

Fix these issues AMC. and then a zombie apocalypse will make total rational sense to me.

Thank you kindly